I’m an all or nothing kinda gal… always have been. On a scale of 1 to 5, I’m either a one, or a five… ALL the time. It’s great when things are good, but when it’s bad… it’s horrid.
For years I struggled with my “manic” personality. I started thinking that what I needed was to simply “mellow out” or find a “happy medium”… and I’d all but convinced myself that it was me who was the problem, and that I just needed to be fixed.
I decided to look how people said I should… and act like people expected me to… and be what the titles of an excellent wife, intelligent homeschooler, amazing mother, strong christian, and godly pastor’s wife were… according to others said…
For so many years I was unwilling to just be me… whatever that was. I lived each day keeping myself in a “what if” kind of box that filled my heart with fear and moved me further away from myself more and more…
- “What if they don’t like me?”
- “What if I ruin things for my husband?”
- “What if they think I’m a bad mom?”
- “What if they think I’m not qualified?”
- “What if I fail?”
I went on a “quest” trying to make myself better… someone more “even-keeled” and less emotional… someone more “normal” and less crazy… someone more happy and less sad… ..someone more “appropriate” and less wild… someone more understood and less obvious…
When I look back on the years spent wasting time… wasting energy… wasting myself… I wish I would have come out of hiding sooner… I wish I would have been less concerned about comfort or safety, and been willing to become something more… something different than what the rest of the world expected or assumed… someone more… ME.
THE CHOICE TO BE FREE
We weren’t created to live mediocre lives, melting into the crowd and living a life that someone else dictates or plans out for us… but the hard truth is… a life of mediocrity is something WE choose. We were created for something amazing… something as special and unique as each of us are but, the only way we can do that is to just be who we are… to allow ourselves to be imperfect, make mistakes, grieve our pain, celebrate our joy, and allow ourselves to learn and grow into whatever it is that makes us truly fantastic.
What could happen if we quit giving up the right to be ourselves just because someone else doesn’t approve?
At the end of the day, it’s not the voices that make you try to be someone you’re not… it’s you. For years I tried to be someone I wasn’t… and you know what I realized?
- I’ll never be happy being what someone thinks I should be.
- I’m the one who chooses who I will be.
One plays off of the other, and it’s a never-ending circle I need to remind myself of when I start feeling that I’m not good enough… smart enough… young enough… pretty enough… sexy enough… fluent enough… patient enough… happy enough… talented enough… or competent enough.
When I start feeling I’m not enough… I can decide what I am. I can decide to be enough… just me…
- an imperfect
- dread headed
- addicted to my husband
- mother of many
- hoping to adopt more
- and believer in second chances, anything is impossible & love is always the answer.
You don’t have to like what I do, who I am, or what I look like… but I know if I’m ever gonna be what I was created to be, than I HAVE TO. I have to love me and decide I am enough, even in my moments of weakness… and if you ever want to be free, than you do too.
YOU ARE ENOUGH
You have a choice… you can choose to be what others accept, or you can dare to be yourself… to accept, embrace, and love your weaknesses, knowing they are a part of what makes your passions strong.
The truth is, our greatest strengths can turn ugly and become our greatest weaknesses… but if we try to ignore or remove those weak parts of us, don’t we remove the best part of us as well? Aren’t they one in the same in any given moment?… and if you remove the “weaker” parts, you’d be removing the “best” ones too?
You don’t need to quit being yourself… you need to allow yourself to become… and just be. Step back, take a breath and remind yourself that YOU ARE WORTH FINDING. It doesn’t matter if others like it or not… and it doesn’t even matter if you’re comfortable with it… it’s time to accept who you are, and be willing to truly feel all the emotions that make you, YOU. Become who you were created to be.
Learning who you are is a part of the journey… loving yourself will make that journey worth living.
What makes you… YOU? Make a list of all the things that are you… the things that are you regardless of where you are or what you’re doing. WHO are you? Then, keep it in a place where you will see it to remind you that everything about you is a part of what makes you unique.
Take steps to let go of any clutter that’s holding you back. Don’t hide you anymore… don’t put it on a shelf. It doesn’t matter what you do… BE YOU and find new ways to become more of that to share with the world every day. It’s time to embrace YOUR beautiful and encourage others in your life to do the same!